Saturday, September 10, 2011

Forgive and Forget

24th Sunday in Ordinary Time

Cycle A

Sir 27:30-28:7

Rom14:7-9

Mt 18:21-35

This weekend we will be memorializing the terrible events that occurred on September 11, 2001. Ten years ago. How our lives have changed in those ten years. There will be solemn events at Ground Zero, the Pentagon, and in Pennsylvania, and we will see once again the stunning video footage of those planes hitting those buildings and the ruin they caused. We will hear the heart wrenching stories of those who continue to mourn, and it will be like the scab is being ripped off our national wound once again, a wound that has scarred over but has never really healed.

We will remember. And that’s not a bad thing. We will remember the heroic men and women who gave their lives selflessly to save others. We will remember the lives of the thousands who died that day. We will remember their families. We will hopefully remember how we all came together as a unified nation, for a brief time. And we will continue to ask why. Why did this all happen? What could have been done to prevent it, and what can and should we do to ensure it never happens again? We hope that by remembering and never forgetting the events of that terrible day that we will finally be able to be healed.

On practically all the TV promos and event banners I have seen so far have been the words, “Never Forget”. I think that the sentiment behind “Never Forget” is different than “Always Remember”. “Never Forget” can be taken a couple of ways. Never forget the people who died or the heroes who worked to save them. Or never forget what the bad guys did to us, because someday we’ll get even.

Could anyone nourish anger against another and expect healing from the Lord? Is it really ever possible to forgive and forget?

Anger against injustice and hurtful actions is a natural reaction, and everyone experiences it. Sirach is not saying we are not to be angry. He is saying that we should not nourish it and foster it and let it grow as a cancer within us. Wrath is not the same thing as justice. We are called to pursue justice, but we will never be healed ourselves unless we let go of our anger and not let it consume us. Anger is such a strong emotion that it easily leads to hatred, and hatred is like a wall built up around our hearts, a wall so high and so thick that God himself cannot penetrate it.

Is it ok to forgive and not forget? When we offer up memorials around sinful events are we just ensuring that we will never be able to forgive the people who perpetuated them? I don’t think so. I think it is possible for us to forgive the misguided people and their sinful actions, and still remember what they did. Because we are not memorializing them, we are remembering the innocent victims and the heroism of good people that day. We don’t build monuments to evil but to what we perceive as good.

We are not God. God may be able to forgive and forget because to God, every moment is now. There is no past to forget. There is no future to look forward to. It is all now. God has no memory because every moment is the present to him. We live in time, and so we have memories to cherish and memories that are painful. And so I don’t think we can ever really forget the evils that have affected us so deeply, just as we don’t want to forget all the good times. And sometimes it is good not to forget, because those memories can make us stronger, help us to right injustices, force us to look at ourselves and make ourselves better people, both as individuals and as a nation.

I’m not one of those who think that we got what we deserved on 9/11, that it was somehow the result of our actions. But I think most of us did some soul searching in the aftermath of that tragedy and we at least asked the question, why. And I think it was telling that on that day the churches were full. Because we turn to God searching for answers when life does not make sense. We prayed that day for the dead, the hurt, and the mourning. But did we pray that God forgive the terrorists? Did we pray that God would give us the strength to forgive them?

Sirach says, “Forgive your neighbor’s injustice; then when you pray, your own sins will be forgiven.” If we hold hatred or resentment against another, even if their actions may seem to justify it, we cannot pray as we should. Our souls cannot hold both love and hatred at the same time. And hatred can grow so large in our souls that it blocks out everything else, and we cannot even communicate with our Father. Unless we forgive we cannot pray, and if we cannot pray, we cannot ask for forgiveness for our own sins, and so we cannot be forgiven.

But remembering can also rip us back into pain. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say, but time also heals all wounds. And the passage of time can help us forget our pain. But what if your pain is not just in the past? What if you are confronted with the same hurt again and again and again? Then it can be very difficult to forgive and move on. I think of divorced couples who have to see each other all the time. How difficult it must be to forget the hurtful things that have been said and done. How difficult it must be for the families of the victims of violence to ever heal, because they can never really forget. Their pain is a daily reminder of what they have lost.

How many times are we to forgive those who continue to hurt us? Jesus tells Peter that we must never not forgive, even when those hurts go on and on. I have a tendency to dwell on the slights I perceive other people to have given me. If someone insults me or gets up in my face I will dwell on it over and over again, for days or even weeks. I get angrier and more self righteous. And even if something reminds me of it years later, I will still get worked up about it, even if consciously I think I have forgiven the person. If I will not let it go, have I really forgiven? I once confessed this to a priest, and he told me that whenever I thought about what that person did to me I should just close my eyes and simply say, “Jesus, forgive him” and let it go. Or, if it’s someone who is continually bugging me, I say, “Give him a change of heart”. Maybe we need to forgive seventy seven times because that’s how long it will take us to truly forgive.

Forgiveness is not always done quickly. Sometimes it is a journey that can take a lifetime. But forgiveness is a choice we make, not just because the other person needs to receive it, but because we need to give it. Sometimes the person who hurt us does not want to be forgiven. Those terrorists did not think they were doing anything sinful. They actually thought they would be rewarded in heaven for what they’d done. Our forgiveness of their actions now will have no effect on them. It will only have an effect on us.

When we say forgive and forget we mean we will not hold a grudge. But sometimes we must forgive and remember. Not for vengeance sake, but for healing sake. Jesus did not forgive and forget. He forgave his betrayer, his torturers, and his executioners, yet he still bears the scars of his crucifixion. And he bears them because he does not want to forget what he did for you. And he doesn’t want you to forget what he’s done for you.